Thursday, March 21, 2024

Yo Mismo

Hey everyone , i suck at keeping up with this thing. Sorry about that. I have tried to write this post several times now.  I'm not here today to make a huge post, just something I desperately need to put out here and finally let it go. 

I had a friend that i met in highschool and thought was my best friend. The friendship started after I had

already had a crush on the guy for a while and finally told him I had feelings for him. I dint expect anything

to come out of it, I simply didn't want to be stuck with those feelings inside. 

We played rugby together, walked to the bus stop almost every day together, we talked a lot, especially

back then. I invited him to go to my first concert with me, because I trusted and felt safe around him, and

wanted him there. Our parents even hit it off great.

This turned into 3 years of us going out to shows, him and his family coming to my house, us going to his.

except for a couple of times he paid for some drinks, i always paid for everything when we went out. One

of the biggest reasons was because I was always the one to invite him and they were always shows and

bands I enjoyed, so why would I expect him to spend money on these outings since it was for things I

wanted to go to. If he really didn't want to go, he'd say no, right?

I thought things were good. That he understood me in a way that no one else really did. 

He finally got a girlfriend, someone that actually lives in the area, and he changed. He stopped messaging as much, and didn't answer as often. I just thought maybe he really was so busy between work, school and his girlfriend. But then he posts about getting together with friends and it was just his girlfriend and a guy he met in uni. I think that would bother most people, seeing who they thought was their bestfriend post something like that, not having heard about getting together, and feeling like you're not really their friend in comparison to two people he hasn't known for that long. 

I messaged him later on asking about what happened. I always try to keep good communication and

understanding with my friends. I was essentially blown off about it and told that it was just something

really small and last minute. Fine. Whatever then. 

I noticed soon after that he isn't messaging me much anymore, it was getting harder and harder to get a response from him. One night we found out about a bad situation with someone on a motorcycle over by his house. I was so worried because I know he and his dad are on them often. I tried messaging and asking if they were okay and nothing. I had to message his mom and she told me that they were all fine, and when i said that he hasn't responded to me in a while, she said he got a new phone. But I was messaging him on Facebook, so????

I let this situation go, giving the benefit of doubt that maybe he was just overly busy wth school, work and

his new relationship.

Another friend that I met through medical school and I introduced to this guy messaged him, asking if he had talked to me recently. From here everything went downhill. He told her that he was distancing himself from me, to focus on everything else. Which doesn't makes sense to me, because why would you leave any of your friends behind like that?

I messaged him, and confronted him over why he isn't answering me. In between everything that got

said, his issues was that he felt like a babysitter when we went out, felt uncomfortable in my house and

didn't expect me to act the way I do when we went out.

Side Note: I was tested when I was younger for autism and again when I was 18 due to some things my

mom noticed. I've never been quite normal anyways, so it wasn't a surprise to me. Haha. 

He was one of the first people I told about me being autistic and he just accepted it. He didn't have any

crazy questions or say I wasn't like others did. I thought he understood what it meant. 

So I guess it was unexpected for him when I didn't like jumping around and being in the middle of things at

these shows and concerts we would go to. 

That night when I confronted him he said that we could go out again if it wasn't an inconvenience to me,

referring to me acting the way he expected. I told him that I didn't want to go out knowing that I'm just an

inconvenience that won't meet his expectations. And we haven't talked since. To this day I still don't

understand why he didn't try communicating his issues with me the way I had with him. 

This is such a jumbled up mess, May 25th will have been a year and I've just been carrying this around with me. His words hurt so bad, I cried so many nights after. I cried to my parents, wondering what I actually did wrong, why i wasn't enough the way I am. I felt like I was grieving, like my friend had died. When I told another friend about the situation, she told me that he did, or at least the person I thought he was did. The person that understood and accepted me. That I thought enjoyed being around and spending time with me, just because. I got over the crush I had for him a long time ago, but I still cared so deeply and wanted him in my life. 

They say that every person that comes into your life is for a reason, to teach you some kind of lesson.

Only thing I learned from him was how to go out on my own after he didn't want to be around me

anymore. I was pushed to go out on my own, unless I wanted to miss out on so many of the things I


So I guess I have him to thank for that. I don't wish him any bad will, I hope he thrives in the life he's

chosen and the path he's creating for himself. But this is me letting go. I'm letting go so I can be myself,

for myself. So I can advance and continue developing as a person. So I can find and meet other people

that are worth having in my life and that are here with me because they want to be. I found peace in

others telling me that i wasn't in the wrong for anything i said, and that better people are out there.

An apology for taking so long to put something out for all of you. Hope you're all doing well. 

P.S. This was not thoroughly proofread like other posts, because I truly can't bring myself to read it all again.