Wednesday, January 30, 2019

The Truth I'll Never Tell

Hi everyone. :)
   So I hadn't written a blog because I haven't been feeling well. By this, I don't mean that I've been physically sick (though my nose is a little stuffy). My mental health has been crap this past week and a half.
   The Saturday before I started school, I was laying in bed watching YouTube, and I felt something break inside. It was like I felt every emotion I'd been holding inside,  but I was numb. My feelings rushed on to me so strongly that it was almost physically painful. I wanted to cry, I wanted to let it all out, but it was like I couldn't actually feel anything. I was emotionally vacant and painfully numb. My mind was filled with thoughts and ideas that were everything less than healthy.
   My depression hadn't grabbed a hold of me like that in a long time. So, I've been using any little spare time from school to try and clear my head. I would have never imagined sharing this with anyone. To tell someone about the thoughts that haunt me during a time like this is something I will never take lightly. But, I found my safe place. In the midst of all these horrible thoughts and feelings, I found a way to feel better. This time, it was music. Next time it might be my family or a therapist. Because it's okay to ask for help. 

   What I'm leading up to is that today, I won this fight. I woke up feeling good, feeling positive, powerful and all over, mentally stronger. I go on for another day to enjoy my life and continue fighting my battles in the war against myself. 
For all of you that are going through a tough time right now, I promise you that at some point things get brighter. Yes, brighter, not better. Not better because we can't just wait around for things to get better. What we can do is look for when things get brighter, when a little piece of hope passes by us. I like to think that hope feels like sunshine on a cold winter day. So when hope crosses your path, grab a hold of it and make it grow, make it brighter. 

I know that this post is short, but this is something I had to get off of my chest before telling about my first week of school. I promise that I will write all about it soon. 

And never forget, it is okay not to be okay. :)
Goodbye, for now, lovelies. 


Sunday, January 20, 2019

Seventeen Ain't So Sweet

Hi guys. Are you all doing okay?

   So this is it. I start school tomorrow and to be completely honest with myself, I'm slightly terrified. The thing with Preparatoria is that it's basically taking your classes for your Associate's degree, but at high school ages. But unlike high school or college in the US, you get put into one group for the whole semester and you don't switch classrooms, the teachers do.  I got lucky in my first semester with students that didn't have a problem with me not being born here and that my Spanish isn't the best.
   But what if I don't this semester? What if a whole bunch of them hate Americans? I mean, I wouldn't blame them. With everything that's been happening, I would expect people to have less than pleasant feelings about Americans. But what if they decide to take it out on me? These are the thoughts that have been plaguing me during my last week of winter vacations.
 The only things I definitely look forward to when going to class is seeing my best friend and learning. My best friend because we got lucky enough to be put in the same group and learning because I love it.

   Yeah, I love learning. I enjoy understanding new things while knowing that I'm one step closer to being where I want to be. Unfortunately, that becomes extremely hard when in a class full of screaming, immature, teenagers. I'm sure some of you can empathize with me when my stress levels go through the roof when there is no teacher in the classroom. At least in all the classes I have EVER been put in, the second there is no teacher or staff watching us, chaos begins. Screaming, people all over the place, the smell of 20 different lunches being pulled out, everyone that doesn't have headphones blaring their music and videos over everything else. It's sensory overload. The only thing that keeps me calm and sane during these moments id putting my headphones on, turning the volume all the way up and ignoring everyone. Even then I could still hear them over my music.

   I guess while I'm at it, making this list of things I have to worry about, I should add meeting new people. By this, I write about liking someone. Maybe even fall in love. I am 17 and have never had a boyfriend. I don't want one to sneak around or do stupid stuff with. I just want someone to take enough interest in me to get to know me. I know this is a typical normal girl thing but I feel that for others like me it turns into anything but typical or normal. Questions like "Does he really like me or does he just want to go to the US?", "When I tell him I'm not leaving Mexico will he leave me?", "When he finds out about my mental health issues, will he still want me?", "If he does, can he handle me?".

   I know for someone my age, some of these worries and fears seem irrational, maybe even laughable. But for me, they are very real and terrifying. I'm going to school tomorrow knowing that any of these things could happen. I also know that none of them could happen and I could have a wonderful day. That is the greatest fear though, isn't it? Fear of the unknown.

   I never said that this was going to be inspiring or happy. I can only hope that this reaches some of you and you see that you are not alone. Being a teenager isn't easy. I know some of us are a little scratched up and bruised because of what life has put us through, but that's okay. It is perfectly okay to not be okay.

Goodbye, for now, dear friends. :) 

Sunday, January 13, 2019

Supposed To Be

Hello everyone. How was your weekend? Mine was okay, thanks for asking. :)
   I have decided to write about something I hold very close to myself. Something that I think about constantly and worries me.
Some of you may remember from my first post me telling you all about my depression and how I've had it since I was young. The thing about depression, especially when you have it before you are even capable of understanding what it is, is that you get comfortable with it. It becomes such a large part of who we are that when faced with the opportunity and then making that decision to get better we go into a type of identity crisis.

I say we because I believe that is what I am going through and I know that I am not alone.

Beyond the typical teenage problems that we all have, those of us that have depression have additional issues and questions. The biggest one being, "Without my depression, who am I?".
When we take away the sickness, what is left of us? We didn't choose to be this way. Mental illness doesn't discriminate.

   I'm 17. I turn 18 in 9 months. I have a little over a year to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life and my personal issue isn't that. I know that I want to help people. But am I the kind of person to meditate, perform reiki or aromatherapy, be surrounded by herbs and do acupuncture. Or am I more suited for prescribing pills and fixing broken bones? Surrounded by white walls, and blood and disinfectant. Could I handle trying to save someone's life and forgive myself when their heart stops beating? I have so little time to decide.
   All the time we have spent alone in the company of our depression when we should have been out, living life. I am just now becoming comfortable with my mental state and doing things I should've done before. Hang out with friends, find love, try new things. Things that would help us define who we are. The sad reality is that I am insecure and unsatisfied with who I am. Sometime I feel I have to ask myself, "Do I like this because of who I am or who my depression made me to be?"

   I have already distinguished a few of these and with each one, I feel more satisfied with who I am becoming. I know it isn't easy for anyone and I know that it is going to be a while before I am completely confident in who I am. But that's why I write. To organize my head and define who I am.

   So as a little challenge for us all, define one thing about yourself. It doesn't have to be super specific or it can be as specific as you want it to. The point is to feel more sure about a part of yourself. Take as long as you want (and listen to this song while you're at it). And when you are finished, post it on twitter/facebook/Instagram with the hashtags #thehurtthehopemx and #SupposedToBe so I can see it and be proud of you for taking one step closer to being who you are supposed to be.

And never forget it is perfectly okay not to be okay. :) Goodbye, for now, dear friends.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Watch Me

Hello to all of you Wonderful Beings. I'm sorry I'm a bit late to the party but...

   I haven't really posted or said anything because I have been thinking about the message that I want to give you all for this new year that is upon us. But first thing first.
We survived another year! YOU survived another year. Another year that maybe was full of pain and suffering and loneliness. Heartbreak, anger, loss. You survived all of that and that is amazing. And I am so very proud of each and every one of you. So here's to another year. Let it be filled with happiness, acceptance, and peace. If it's not, then I promise you that you can and will make it through anything that 2019 will throw at you. Some didn't think they would last through 2018, but here we are. You are the very real proof that you can withstand anything.

   So, on to more personal matters.
Did any of you make New Year's resolutions? Made any big decisions to try and better your life for this new cycle? I feel like I did.
   I decided to fully embrace being straight edge (if you don't know what that is, watch this vlog by Patty Walters). So on New Year's Eve, while the rest of my family was drinking squirt and agave, I was perfectly content with my sugar-free coke. I felt better about myself and felt that I was starting the New Year out the way I wanted the rest of my year to go. I also decided that I'm going to try and reintroduce certain people into my life again (at some point this year). And a kind of generic one. I am going on a diet. I KNOW. Every year everyone says that they are going on a diet and most don't stick to it. But I am doing so out of necessity and a deep desire to not only physically but also mentally better myself. To better the image I have of myself.

   I know that many people around me and that are involved in my life will look at these choices and believe that I am odd or different than most. And the truth is, I am. I have always accepted that I am different than everyone else, but it wasn't until more recently that I accepted that not everybody is going to understand me. I've even accepted that, because of my differences, some might be rooting for my failure. Waiting for the one sip of alcohol or bite of something sweet to throw it in my face and say I wasn't strong enough. But if I mess up, I know I can continue on the path I have chosen and that I shouldn't feel bad for it.

So this is my New Year message to you all.
Don't be afraid to fall. Don't be afraid to mess up. As long as you get back up and go on, the mistakes you make don't matter. Stop caring about what the other people are doing or saying. Even if you lose it all, at least you are doing something with your life.
Think about it, while you're at home bettering yourself and strengthening yourself, most if not all of the people that will judge you are doing only that-- judging you. So they are wasting their time on something so stupid and meaningless, you are out there becoming the person you have always dreamed of being.

   So live and let go. Of all the harsh words and disapproving stares. They don't matter. Instead, let them watch you turn that negativity into something beautiful.

And never forget, it is completely okay to not be okay. Goodbye, for now, dear friends.