Sunday, January 20, 2019

Seventeen Ain't So Sweet

Hi guys. Are you all doing okay?

   So this is it. I start school tomorrow and to be completely honest with myself, I'm slightly terrified. The thing with Preparatoria is that it's basically taking your classes for your Associate's degree, but at high school ages. But unlike high school or college in the US, you get put into one group for the whole semester and you don't switch classrooms, the teachers do.  I got lucky in my first semester with students that didn't have a problem with me not being born here and that my Spanish isn't the best.
   But what if I don't this semester? What if a whole bunch of them hate Americans? I mean, I wouldn't blame them. With everything that's been happening, I would expect people to have less than pleasant feelings about Americans. But what if they decide to take it out on me? These are the thoughts that have been plaguing me during my last week of winter vacations.
 The only things I definitely look forward to when going to class is seeing my best friend and learning. My best friend because we got lucky enough to be put in the same group and learning because I love it.

   Yeah, I love learning. I enjoy understanding new things while knowing that I'm one step closer to being where I want to be. Unfortunately, that becomes extremely hard when in a class full of screaming, immature, teenagers. I'm sure some of you can empathize with me when my stress levels go through the roof when there is no teacher in the classroom. At least in all the classes I have EVER been put in, the second there is no teacher or staff watching us, chaos begins. Screaming, people all over the place, the smell of 20 different lunches being pulled out, everyone that doesn't have headphones blaring their music and videos over everything else. It's sensory overload. The only thing that keeps me calm and sane during these moments id putting my headphones on, turning the volume all the way up and ignoring everyone. Even then I could still hear them over my music.

   I guess while I'm at it, making this list of things I have to worry about, I should add meeting new people. By this, I write about liking someone. Maybe even fall in love. I am 17 and have never had a boyfriend. I don't want one to sneak around or do stupid stuff with. I just want someone to take enough interest in me to get to know me. I know this is a typical normal girl thing but I feel that for others like me it turns into anything but typical or normal. Questions like "Does he really like me or does he just want to go to the US?", "When I tell him I'm not leaving Mexico will he leave me?", "When he finds out about my mental health issues, will he still want me?", "If he does, can he handle me?".

   I know for someone my age, some of these worries and fears seem irrational, maybe even laughable. But for me, they are very real and terrifying. I'm going to school tomorrow knowing that any of these things could happen. I also know that none of them could happen and I could have a wonderful day. That is the greatest fear though, isn't it? Fear of the unknown.

   I never said that this was going to be inspiring or happy. I can only hope that this reaches some of you and you see that you are not alone. Being a teenager isn't easy. I know some of us are a little scratched up and bruised because of what life has put us through, but that's okay. It is perfectly okay to not be okay.

Goodbye, for now, dear friends. :) 

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