Sunday, January 13, 2019

Supposed To Be

Hello everyone. How was your weekend? Mine was okay, thanks for asking. :)
   I have decided to write about something I hold very close to myself. Something that I think about constantly and worries me.
Some of you may remember from my first post me telling you all about my depression and how I've had it since I was young. The thing about depression, especially when you have it before you are even capable of understanding what it is, is that you get comfortable with it. It becomes such a large part of who we are that when faced with the opportunity and then making that decision to get better we go into a type of identity crisis.

I say we because I believe that is what I am going through and I know that I am not alone.

Beyond the typical teenage problems that we all have, those of us that have depression have additional issues and questions. The biggest one being, "Without my depression, who am I?".
When we take away the sickness, what is left of us? We didn't choose to be this way. Mental illness doesn't discriminate.

   I'm 17. I turn 18 in 9 months. I have a little over a year to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life and my personal issue isn't that. I know that I want to help people. But am I the kind of person to meditate, perform reiki or aromatherapy, be surrounded by herbs and do acupuncture. Or am I more suited for prescribing pills and fixing broken bones? Surrounded by white walls, and blood and disinfectant. Could I handle trying to save someone's life and forgive myself when their heart stops beating? I have so little time to decide.
   All the time we have spent alone in the company of our depression when we should have been out, living life. I am just now becoming comfortable with my mental state and doing things I should've done before. Hang out with friends, find love, try new things. Things that would help us define who we are. The sad reality is that I am insecure and unsatisfied with who I am. Sometime I feel I have to ask myself, "Do I like this because of who I am or who my depression made me to be?"

   I have already distinguished a few of these and with each one, I feel more satisfied with who I am becoming. I know it isn't easy for anyone and I know that it is going to be a while before I am completely confident in who I am. But that's why I write. To organize my head and define who I am.

   So as a little challenge for us all, define one thing about yourself. It doesn't have to be super specific or it can be as specific as you want it to. The point is to feel more sure about a part of yourself. Take as long as you want (and listen to this song while you're at it). And when you are finished, post it on twitter/facebook/Instagram with the hashtags #thehurtthehopemx and #SupposedToBe so I can see it and be proud of you for taking one step closer to being who you are supposed to be.

And never forget it is perfectly okay not to be okay. :) Goodbye, for now, dear friends.

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