Thursday, February 28, 2019

The Hurt, The Hope

Hey guys. So it has been awhile, to say the least. I hope that all of you have been okay.

   Maybe some of you have noticed and maybe some of you haven't, but I like to use the names of songs as my blog titles. I've been sitting on this one for two reasons.
1.- Waiting until its February.
2.- Waiting for something to give me a reason to use it.
   And guess what? They finally coincided! Granted it is the last day of the month, but that's okay.

What finally gave me something to think about, something I believe needs to be talked about came from some stuff my dad said on Sunday.

   So my parents were leaving to go to a dog show and I had decided to stay behind to work on homework and do some cleaning. I had music playing on the TV and the song playing was a cover of the song Hey Hey, My My from the movie American Satan (click here to check it out). The video is a tribute to all the great artists that passed away during the production of the movie. Two people on there are Chris Cornell of Soundgarden and Chester Bennington of Linkin Park.  Two amazing artists whose music means so much to so many people and who, unfortunately, committed suicide.
   My dad was saying how he just didn't get why they would do that. Why, when most of these other artists died of illness, age or accident they would take their own life.

   I understood what he meant. From the outside looking in, it seemed like they had a nearly perfect life. They had money, a family, a job they loved, thousands of friends and fans that loved them. Who, in their right mind, would essentially throw all of that away? But looking from the inside out, things change. It dawned on me that not many people truly comprehend what mental illnesses like depression and anxiety really do to a person. Of course, its different for each person.

From this point, I will focus on my depression since it is what I am most able to describe. My feelings do not apply to any other person with depression or another illness.

   From a scientific and biological point of view, depression is a chemical imbalance of the body's endorphins. Endorphins are a natural chemical in the brain that basically makes you happy. Now imagine lacking those chemicals? It doesn't sound pretty, does it?
   For me, the best way at describing my depression is that it's like feeling nothing, like this horrible emptiness that makes my heart sink, but feeling everything so strongly it makes me want to cry all at the same time. Its contradicting and confusing. It's painful and it sucks.

Getting back to the song now. Read this blog to further understand what I'm about to explain.

"Because we all
Need to feel release
Because we all
Wanna be at peace"

   Whenever someone self harms, it isn't because we want to mark up and scar our bodies. It's because we have this need to not feel the way we are feeling at that moment. Some do it to try and feel something, others to distract themselves from the pain they are feeling on the inside with an external pain. Its something controllable when we feel like we have no control. 

"All alone, I've lost the hope
That I'll find myself again
There's a heart so cold within me
It feels like February"

   I personally feel that suicide happens when we finally get tired of fighting. When we've been battling against ourselves for too long and believe that it is never going to get better. When we have lost all hope. Depression for me isn't simply being sad all the time, Its feeling lost and lonely. It's thinking you aren't enough for anyone and that no one could ever want you.

   I hate to think that people see me and think that nothing is wrong. Because there is always something wrong. There is always something that is bothering me. Something that got under my skin and won't leave me alone. Thinking about Chester and Chris and how no one "saw the signs", sometimes there aren't any. After Chester passed, his wife posted a picture of him a couple days before the event. He has a big smile on his face and looks to be so full of life and happiness. No one would have guessed the various thoughts were going through his mind. He used his music as an outlet for his pain, but it wasn't enough for him.  Listen to the songs. pay attention to the lyrics, and you will hear how much pain he was going through. 

   I truly hope that I got my point across. I don't want this to seem like I am encouraging self-harm or anything of the sorts so I continue with these last lyrics.

"Despite all the pain, the tears and the rain
It's got to get better
No matter how lost, no matter the cost
It's got to get better
The infinite fall, the distance I crawl
It's got to get better
And maybe I'm wrong, but I pray that I'm not
It's got to get better"

   For every single one of you that is going through a rough spot in your journey, please believe me when I say that things don't stay bad forever. Suicide does not end the possibility of things getting worse. It ends the possibility of it ever getting better. So stick around and see where your road takes you. I would love to hear one day about how you all got through whatever it is you are going through and came out stronger because you are strong enough.
You are all strong, wonderful, powerful human beings that have earned the right to feel down sometimes.

   To everyone else that doesn't feel like they can relate to any of this, the ones that have trouble understanding the rest of us, it's okay. Maybe you never will get it. But it doesn't mean you can't try. It takes one minute to send a message asking how someone is doing. You never know when you could be someone saving grace.

I love you all and hope you have a wonderful weekend full of laughter and fun.

  And never forget, it is perfectly okay not to be okay. Goodbye, for now, my dear friends.

Saturday, February 2, 2019


Hey guys, how has your week been? So I've finally gotten to my school blog and have something worth saying.
   Like I said a couple of posts back, I was terrified of starting back school and meeting new people. I was worried that I wasn't going to be accepted like I was in my first-semester group. After today I realized that I had nothing to worry about. Much like last semester, I have a small group of people that I get along with, that form a part of the teams we have to have for our projects. But completely opposite of last time, these people not only accept me but also support me. 
I found this out because today in class when my best friend wasn't sitting right behind as usual and I needed help with understanding something, one of the boys tried to explain to me too. <3  

   And not just that, my team and I had to go to one of the girl's houses to work on a biology project and they didn't talk about stupid stuff or mess around the whole time. We ate our pizza, worked on our project and kind of just talked a bit about things. We talked about how this one girl is crushing on a boy from her church and what happened last semester with the boy that wanted me to do his homework. Two of them were talking about circumcision on the way back from dropping one girl off at the bus stop (I have no idea how that conversation got started). The boy that walked with me to the plaza for the bus, most would just be quiet and walk, but he kept a conversation going. It seemed like he was actually interested in hearing me. (Don't you dare think I got a crush on him. He's cute but taken.) My point is, the conversation was of actual substance and not meaningless chatter. 

   I can't say for the whole group, but at this point, most of my classmates seem more mature than the last ones. I know I may not be much more mature than them, but I am not the typical teenager either. I don't want to go to class and hear you joking about how you want to kill yourself (this has happened once so far and he admitted that he knew he shouldn't say thing like that), or how you hate "otakus" so much and constantly bully them just for them liking the things they do. For someone who suffers from a mental illness, taking that in daily makes life so much harder. I often call my old group "toxic" because of the way they made me feel.

     It simply amazes me how a change in the people surrounding you can make you feel. I feel content. Almost happy, having something more to look forward to every day. I go to bed tonight with a light heart and a clear mind, knowing that I have one less thing to worry about. 
So here's to this small group of six people that have become a small sanctuary of patience and understanding for me. May you continue to have plenty of it so we can be friends  😂. 

So just a quick rundown of my first two weeks of my second semester:
-All new teachers, except for the art teacher, who gave us social studies before.
-My English teacher doesn't know English as well as I had hoped. She pronounced "often" without   the T because that's how she heard it in songs (?). 
-My chemistry teacher kind of freaks me out. She explained how one molecule in a compound can   change water from something necessary for life into a poison that will kill you immediately.
-I don't like my Spanish teacher. She caught me with my piercings and had me take them out.
-My Physics teacher thinks we live in the Matrix. He's special (if you can tell). 

  And I believe those are the things that have stuck out to me the most. It's not much, but that's what happens when you overthink things constantly and space out during class. 
Lastly, never forget, its okay not to be okay.

   Goodbye and goodnight, my lovely readers. <3