Thursday, February 28, 2019

The Hurt, The Hope

Hey guys. So it has been awhile, to say the least. I hope that all of you have been okay.

   Maybe some of you have noticed and maybe some of you haven't, but I like to use the names of songs as my blog titles. I've been sitting on this one for two reasons.
1.- Waiting until its February.
2.- Waiting for something to give me a reason to use it.
   And guess what? They finally coincided! Granted it is the last day of the month, but that's okay.

What finally gave me something to think about, something I believe needs to be talked about came from some stuff my dad said on Sunday.

   So my parents were leaving to go to a dog show and I had decided to stay behind to work on homework and do some cleaning. I had music playing on the TV and the song playing was a cover of the song Hey Hey, My My from the movie American Satan (click here to check it out). The video is a tribute to all the great artists that passed away during the production of the movie. Two people on there are Chris Cornell of Soundgarden and Chester Bennington of Linkin Park.  Two amazing artists whose music means so much to so many people and who, unfortunately, committed suicide.
   My dad was saying how he just didn't get why they would do that. Why, when most of these other artists died of illness, age or accident they would take their own life.

   I understood what he meant. From the outside looking in, it seemed like they had a nearly perfect life. They had money, a family, a job they loved, thousands of friends and fans that loved them. Who, in their right mind, would essentially throw all of that away? But looking from the inside out, things change. It dawned on me that not many people truly comprehend what mental illnesses like depression and anxiety really do to a person. Of course, its different for each person.

From this point, I will focus on my depression since it is what I am most able to describe. My feelings do not apply to any other person with depression or another illness.

   From a scientific and biological point of view, depression is a chemical imbalance of the body's endorphins. Endorphins are a natural chemical in the brain that basically makes you happy. Now imagine lacking those chemicals? It doesn't sound pretty, does it?
   For me, the best way at describing my depression is that it's like feeling nothing, like this horrible emptiness that makes my heart sink, but feeling everything so strongly it makes me want to cry all at the same time. Its contradicting and confusing. It's painful and it sucks.

Getting back to the song now. Read this blog to further understand what I'm about to explain.

"Because we all
Need to feel release
Because we all
Wanna be at peace"

   Whenever someone self harms, it isn't because we want to mark up and scar our bodies. It's because we have this need to not feel the way we are feeling at that moment. Some do it to try and feel something, others to distract themselves from the pain they are feeling on the inside with an external pain. Its something controllable when we feel like we have no control. 

"All alone, I've lost the hope
That I'll find myself again
There's a heart so cold within me
It feels like February"

   I personally feel that suicide happens when we finally get tired of fighting. When we've been battling against ourselves for too long and believe that it is never going to get better. When we have lost all hope. Depression for me isn't simply being sad all the time, Its feeling lost and lonely. It's thinking you aren't enough for anyone and that no one could ever want you.

   I hate to think that people see me and think that nothing is wrong. Because there is always something wrong. There is always something that is bothering me. Something that got under my skin and won't leave me alone. Thinking about Chester and Chris and how no one "saw the signs", sometimes there aren't any. After Chester passed, his wife posted a picture of him a couple days before the event. He has a big smile on his face and looks to be so full of life and happiness. No one would have guessed the various thoughts were going through his mind. He used his music as an outlet for his pain, but it wasn't enough for him.  Listen to the songs. pay attention to the lyrics, and you will hear how much pain he was going through. 

   I truly hope that I got my point across. I don't want this to seem like I am encouraging self-harm or anything of the sorts so I continue with these last lyrics.

"Despite all the pain, the tears and the rain
It's got to get better
No matter how lost, no matter the cost
It's got to get better
The infinite fall, the distance I crawl
It's got to get better
And maybe I'm wrong, but I pray that I'm not
It's got to get better"

   For every single one of you that is going through a rough spot in your journey, please believe me when I say that things don't stay bad forever. Suicide does not end the possibility of things getting worse. It ends the possibility of it ever getting better. So stick around and see where your road takes you. I would love to hear one day about how you all got through whatever it is you are going through and came out stronger because you are strong enough.
You are all strong, wonderful, powerful human beings that have earned the right to feel down sometimes.

   To everyone else that doesn't feel like they can relate to any of this, the ones that have trouble understanding the rest of us, it's okay. Maybe you never will get it. But it doesn't mean you can't try. It takes one minute to send a message asking how someone is doing. You never know when you could be someone saving grace.

I love you all and hope you have a wonderful weekend full of laughter and fun.

  And never forget, it is perfectly okay not to be okay. Goodbye, for now, my dear friends.

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