Sunday, December 30, 2018

Still Remembering

   Just a small post to express my gratitude to all of you. 100 likes on the facebook page. WOW. I honestly never expected to reach anyone. It gives me courage and inspiration to continue. So, thank you! (:

  I have so many thoughts and ideas running through my head and at some point, I will share them with you. One that has been weighing heavily on me today is the two year anniversary of the passing of someone very special to me.
   Back when I was trapped in my dark place and my parents had discovered my self harming, I talked to a few people after seeing the psychologist. Part of my struggles were my doubts about God. Some would say I was having an existential crisis or that I was overthinking things. I had talked to a lady that would soon after become my godmother. What I couldn't quite wrap my head around was how come there are so many musicians, actors and such that didn't believe in God but were so happy and full of life anyway? My godmother went on to explain to me that it didn't matter that they didn't believe. Her belief is that even though they didn't believe, didn't mean that God wasn't watching over them. After our talk, she recommended I went to our church's youth group.

I did and it has to be one of the best decisions of my life. It didn't make me believe in God any more than I already did. But it did make me see things a different way. There I met so many wonderful people that had a belief so strong it empowered them. One of them was Arturo Solis. He was a sort of monk that would go from church to church and establish the youth groups there to help keep kids and young adults off of the street and out of bad situations. We soon found out that he spoke English because after talking with the priest he said it would be good to speak with Arturo.
As I'm sitting here writing this I am trying my best to hold back the tears that won't stop coming.

   Arturo was like everyone's uncle, you could say. Every Saturday he would ask how I was. He would sit and talk to me if he had the chance and every week I didn't go he would notice and ask me why the next day when he saw me at mass. I enjoyed going because I felt wanted there. I didn't always play the games or understand the lesson we saw but that was okay.
   Like I previously said, the group or Arturo didn't change what I believe but seeing all those kids and teens happy and energetic and ready to believe in something they can't even see, it made me happy seeing them happy. It made me believe that there is SOMETHING out there bigger than ourselves that pushes us to believe. In hope, in dreams, in a future that doesn't hurt as much as the present, we currently live in. One person set me on the path to believing in myself again. I still remember so many times he made me feel better about myself.  So rest in peace Arturo. I know you are looking down on me and so many others that care about you. I hope what you see makes you smile. :)

And never forget, it is completely okay to not be okay. Goodbye, for now, dear friends,

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